Konstantine
by javoraf
Summary: SongficOneshot Fax 'And this piece here, this is something special. This is every emotion I tried to keep hidden. This is my confession. This is for her. This is for my Max. My Konstantine' based off Something Corporate's Konstantine. language,adult stuff


Okay. i have major writers block on my other story 'Scars' and i had this story going around in my head for like ever, so i figured i could write it to try to get my muse back.

**Disclaimer: Don't own anything. **

The song is Konstantine by Something Corporate. **LISTEN TO IT AS YOU READ!** seriously, totally sets the mood. and it's like a ten minute song so you might not even have to repeat it! Oh and this is the "live" version of the song. lyrics kinda different.

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**Konstantine**

**By: CrimsonScarz **

You wouldn't believe the pain I felt. How much it could hurt.

_I can't imagine all the people that you know  
And the places that you go  
When the lights are turned down low  
And I don't understand  
All the things you've seen  
But I'm slipping in between  
You and your big... dreams  
it's always you and my big dreams  
_

I haven't seen her in three long years. I'm 18 now, as well as her. I miss her more than I let on.

We were the only ones left after we saved the world. No, the flock didn't die. They are all living happily with their families, unlike me. I'm on my own, I couldn't stand to be near anything loving…not after her.

We spent a year together. One blissful year as a true couple in love. Yes, you read that right. I did say Love.

And I did love her, more than you will ever understand.

And I never stopped.

I don't know where she is now, or if she found someone new, or if she stayed like me and went back to that night wishing it never happened. But I doubt that. You are too perfect to mourn over lost time like I do, Max. You were always too perfect for me. I should be glad you gave me that one year. The happiest year of my life.

I was going to marry her. You have no idea what I felt. I asked her, she said yes. Can you believe that? She actually wanted to spend her life with me.

Until it was too much for her.

_And you tell me  
That it's over  
Wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clover  
And your restless  
And I'm naked  
You've got to get out  
You can't stand to see me shaking  
no, could you let me go  
I didn't think so_

It was one night. I swear I didn't plan for it to happen. It just did.

We went out flying, loving the wind in our feathers and the warm glow in our hearts.

Do you remember Max? We landed in that meadow, hidden from the world.

You looked so happy. I couldn't stop staring.

Then I kissed you and you didn't stop me.

I remember gently placing you on the grass, my body hovering over yours. There was so much light in your eyes, you had me. I was yours.

So I let you take me that night. All of me. And you let me have you.

It was the best thing to ever happen in my life. I thought we were perfect. I thought we were untouchable.

I didn't regret a thing.

But you did.

_and you don't want to be here in the future  
So you say  
the present's just a pleasant  
Interruption to the past  
And you don't want to look much closer  
'Cause you're afraid to find out all this hope  
That you had sent into the sky by now had... crashed  
and it did because of me_

Three years Max. It had been three years since I saw you.

Until today.

I saw the look in your eyes when you saw me. Here out of all places. You had to catch me.

Me in my unwashed, beat up clothing. Me with my dirty, unkempt hair. Me with my scars. A constant reminder of the past you tried to forget.

I saw it.

I saw you Max.

There was a flash of hope in your eyes, that flash of love, but it was hidden behind all your pain. All that pain that I could have kept away.

I didn't understand.

You left me to find something better. But you ended up like this?

I tried to move on. Don't you understand what I am doing here Max? I'm trying to forget you.

But that's not going to happen now.

Your boss told you I was the one. I was the one that paid for it, for you. I saw how you looked at me. It was a mixture between disgust...and regret, before it went blank.

I swear Max. I didn't know. I didn't know it would be you.

It killed me when you pulled me into that dark back room. You didn't say one word as you grinded into me.

I hope you know it was killing me, to think that I wasn't the only one that got this from you. I wasn't the only one anymore. Men came to you to get some gratification.

And you gave it to them.

I wasn't your only one anymore. I was just the first.

But tonight, I promise. You won't remember them.

You won't remember anyone but me.

You won't remember anything about these past three years. You will feel the love I gave to you, the love I still wish you gave me. You will go back to the day when we become one, and nothing felt more right.

_And then you bring me home  
Afraid to find out that you're alone, no  
And I'm sleeping in your living room  
But we don't have much room  
To live_

You told me to wait outside for you. I did. I had to painfully watch as two more men went with you before your shift was over.

I felt my heart shattering. I knew what was happening.

And I couldn't stop it. I didn't have the power to anymore. You weren't mine anymore.

You never really were.

But I couldn't help but hope, that as those men took you, you were thinking of me.

I stood in the back alley waiting for her to change. My mind kept wondering back to her.

My skin against hers. My hands running across her smooth back. I don't know how she hid her wings, my guess; she didn't have to very well. The men weren't exactly looking at her back.

I flinched. I didn't want to think of them with her. Touching her. Making love to her like she was just a tool to the ultimate release.

She was so much more.

She was everything.

She was perfect.

I closed my eyes and thought of her. Of everything she is.

The memory of our first meeting. I smiled at her, the first in my life. She smiled back. My stomach turned in knots. I didn't understand what this was.

Her eleventh birthday, when I kissed her for the first time. A little peck was all, but we blushed all the same.

The determination on her face when she realized Jeb wasn't coming back, he was dead.

The death glare she sent him when she realized he wasn't.

Her kicking eraser ass.

Her reading a story to Angel as she was being put to bed.

Her ruffling Gazzy's hair after she realizes how much she needed us.

Her looking annoyed as Nudge rambled on and on and on next to her.

Her yelling at Iggy as he once again blows up her personal items.

Her walking toward me in a way only she could turn me on with.

Her pulling me closer, in a passionate kiss.

Her touching me leaving my skin on fire.

Her loving me like I was the only thing in the world that mattered.

I took a deep breath as her memory swam before me.

Her skin rubbing against mine. Her tongue tangled with my own. Her breath against my neck as she moaned my name.

I tried not to groan as my hands traced her curves. As she arched toward me when they came in contact with her breasts.

My hands clenched next to me as I tried to forget the look in her eyes as I entered her. The shock of us being in that position again. The pain of so many years without the other. The love I still felt for her mirrored in her deep brown eyes.

I gasped as I felt a hand on my shoulder. My eyes snapped up to her sullen face.

When we reached your home, you told me I could stay on the couch if I wished.

You had to go, you told me.

You came out of your bedroom in a white coat. My heart stopped.

You had an internship at the hospital, you told me. You only had the other job because as great as the internship was, it didn't pay.

I nodded dumbly as you left the room in a rush.

I should have known better.

Max always gets what she wants.

_And I had these dreams, __in them I learned to play guitar  
Maybe cross the country  
Become a rock star  
And there was hope in me  
That I could take you there  
But damn you're so young  
But I don't think I care  
and if I hurt you then I'm sorry  
please don't think that this is easy_

I laid on the couch awake all night. Even after you came back home, I sat awake, trying to get you out of my mind.

I stared at the ceiling knowing you were doing the same up there on your bed. I wished more than anything I could go in there and tell you everything. How much I love you and need you. How I can't ever forget you. How you are on my mind every moment of every day.

How I wished so much that I could be there for you when you succeed. I want to hold you and never let go. I wished you could see how devoted I am to you. How happy I could make you. How much love I carried for you.

I wanted to tell you so bad.

But I couldn't do that.

You couldn't handle it.

_And then you bring me home  
'Cause we both know what its like to be alone, no  
And I'm dreaming in your living room  
But we don't have much room  
To live_

We grew comfortable with each over the next week.

We never mentioned that night you left, or that night we met again.

I never asked where you were going. I didn't need to know when you were going to screw a few needy men.

We didn't talk about our past. We never mentioned how much you hurt me. We never needed to.

I saw it in your eyes. The pain it caused. The hurt you still felt. The guilt you feel when you look at me and all you can see is my love for you.

You don't understand Max. I want you. I can't live without you.

I need you close. I need you to love me like you did. Like when you showed me your world and I got lost in it. Like when you promised me we would never be apart. A stupid teenage vow, I will never forget.

I barely said a word to you. I couldn't, you would hear how broken I was. How dead I felt. How much life you took from me when you ran.

You were my life. I was suffocating you. You needed to be free. You needed to get away.

Max, please. Can't you see? I could have given you that space to live. I could have kept the pain away.

I was the most space you were ever going to get.

_And Konstantine is walking down the stairs  
Doesn't she look good  
Standing in her underwear?  
And I was thinking, what I was thinking  
But we've been drinking  
And it doesn't get me anywhere_

We like to have a few drinks before bed. We must think it makes things easier.

It doesn't.

Every accidental touch makes me want to cry.

Can you feel the emotion coming between us? I can.

Do you think I have forgotten? I haven't.

Do you wish you were in my arms? I do.

I love you.

We act like you never broke my heart. We act like we never once loved the other. We act like we are just the old friends we used to be.

But each time you smile at me, I can feel the knife twist in my heart.

Each time you go off with another guy, I need to scream.

Each time I think of you, I want to die.

How can you pretend that we never were? How can you sit there with him and act like you don't remember. How can you not want to think of me? How do you not feel the pain?

Do you just like killing me? Do you like seeing me break?

Max, you like to rub it in don't you? Walking down half dressed, as if I didn't want to take you when you were fully clothed. Like your beauty didn't blind me before. Like I couldn't stop thinking of you when I didn't have your perfect bare skin at arms length.

Like I couldn't stop loving you before.

_My Konstantine came walking down the stairs  
And all that I could do  
Was touch her long blond hair  
And I've been thinking  
It hurts me thinking  
That these nights when we were drinking  
No they never got us anywhere, no_

You walked over to me as if nothing was going on.

Could you not see the hurt in my eyes? Could you not feel the longing I held?

How can you not see how torn apart I am? How this is tearing me up?

You didn't back away as I ran my hand through your hair.

It was so soft. Three years hadn't changed a thing. I watched transfixed as the silky blonde strands ran across my fingertips.

My hand landed on your neck. I took a deep breath, memorizing your scent, for I was sure after this, I wouldn't be able to live without you.

I don't know why you did it. We weren't drinking that night. I guess you like to toy with my heart or something.

You kissed me. I didn't stop you.

We made it back up to your bedroom never breaking the connection our lips had forged.

I tried to keep my thoughts clear, tried to block this from my mind. I couldn't stand the pain again.

I tried to stop. I tried to think rationally.

But I wanted you. I needed you.

You rubbed up against me, and it was all I could do not to just take you right then.

I don't know why you did it. I don't know why I let it happen.

I don't know why I thought it would change anything.

_This is because I can spell confusion with a K  
And I can like it  
It's to dying in another's arms  
and why I had to try it  
It's to jimmy eat world  
and those nights in my car  
when the first star you see  
may not be a star  
I'm not your star?  
Isn't that what you said  
what you thought this song meant _

I held you close as we kissed. I tried to show you just how much I needed you. I tried to show you I never wanted anyone but you. I tried to tell you I loved you.

We fell on your bed with a soft thump. Me hovering over you once again.

I tried to show you what you had been missing these past three years. I tried to show you just how good I could make you feel. I tried to show you I knew everything about you.

I did it for you Max. I did it all for you. I never thought I would have the chance to make it up to you. I did it for all those nights we lost. I did it for every fucking thing in the whole damn world that ever meant anything to you.

I don't know how you could have known how much it meant to me. I don't know how you would have known what that night did to me. How many suppressed memories it brought back. How many times I dreamed of this one perfect moment.

But it didn't mean anything to you.

I saw you Max. I saw you with him the next day. I heard you tell him I was 'just an old friend.' I know why you didn't get back until late. I know now Max.

I understand now.

I am nothing to you. I never was. I was just an adoring admirer you needed to pity. I get it now Max. You never wanted me.

But the thing is Max, I can't forget you. I can't leave you. I can't not think about you.

I can't stop loving you.

I meant it when I told you how much you hurt me. I meant it when I told you I couldn't live without you. I meant it when I said I still wish I was the one. I meant it when I said you will always be in my heart. I meant it when I told you to quit your damn job. I meant it when I yelled at you to stay away from me so I can't hurt any worse, but I meant it more when I looked at you for comfort. I meant every damn word I spat at you. Every damn thought that went through my fucked up head.

It hurt to even look at you. To know, I would never have you again. To see you right in front of me, after all you did to me, and still not be able to hate you.

Why did you do it Max? How could you do that to me again?

How could it mean nothing to you?

_And if this is what it takes  
just to lie with my mistakes  
and live with what I did to you  
All the hell I put you through  
I always catch the clock it's 11:11  
And now you want to talk  
it's not hard to dream  
You'll always be my Konstantine  
My Konstantine _

You stayed silent the whole time. I saw as the emotion drained from your eyes. I saw as you went back to the Max that scarred my heart.

You thought I understood? You thought I wouldn't think anything of it? You thought I would just let it be?

How could you possibly think that?

You saw how much I loved you. You knew what this would do to me! You knew what I wanted to do now.

Max, I can't keep going like this.

Your eyes widened when I screamed that at you.

Do you finally understand? Max, do you get it?

You are what I live for. My entire existence revolves around serving you, making you happy. Max, I'm so in love with you.

I watched as tears ran down your cheeks in a flowing stream.

What would posses me to tell you this, you wanted to know. You had to know why I am trying to hurt you. Max, I would never hurt you. But you need to know. This is what you did.

You always thought I would be a loner. But don't you see? I can't do anything without thinking of you.

You are a part of me.

More tears fell as you ran up the steps. You were confused and hurt. I could see it clearly written across your face. You couldn't handle this.

Handle me.

I didn't even try to sleep. I know your upset face would haunt me every time I close my eyes. I can't deal with you in pain Max. I didn't mean to hurt you.

You didn't mean to hurt me.

It was just after 11.

Did you know I could feel you there? Did you know I knew you were watching me as I was sleeping? Did you know I heard you crying ever so softly?

Did you know Max?

You are forever imbedded in everything I do, in everything I am.

Max, you are all that matters.

_They'll never hurt you like I do  
No, They'll never hurt you like I do  
No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No_

You came and sat on the floor next to me. I opened my eyes slowly.

You were staring right into my onyx irises. I saw how red and puffy yours were. How could I cause something so perfect to be in so much pain?

But Max. I am so much more hurt. I am so much more broken. I am a dead man walking. The only thing keeping me going was the memories of you, of us.

Don't you get it Max? You still feel it too. I know you do. I can see it in your eyes as they capture me. It's right there. You just don't want to admit it. You just can't see it.

Do you know why you are hurting this bad Max? Do you? Don't you know those that can hurt you the most are the ones you love more than anything.

Max, why am I not good enough for you? Why can you still not give yourself to me?

Why did you give me the chance to hurt you?

Why did you let me?

_This is to a girl who got into my head  
with all the pretty things she did  
Hey, you know that you keep me up in bed  
It's to a girl who got into my head  
with all these fucked up things I did  
Hey maybe baby, you could keep me up in bed_

I know you may never know most of this. I know you will never understand just how much it hurt. How much you affect my life.

But you do understand the loneliness we both felt. Our broken hearts. Our need for the other. How I will never live without you again.

I hope this will help you understand why I let you back in my life. Why I didn't even doubt it for a second. Why my love for you didn't let me do anything but forgive you.

You leaned in and kissed me harder than ever. You didn't let me pull away.

I felt the promise through it. The promise to never leave me broken again. The promise that you were going to fix me. The promise that you were going to love me.

You kept kissing me harder with each minute, pulling my closer.

_My Konstantine,  
Spin around me like a dream  
We played out on this movie screen  
And I said,  
Did you know I miss you  
Did you know I miss you  
Did you know I miss you  
Did you know I miss you  
Did you know I miss you  
Did you know I miss you  
Did you know I miss you  
I miss you _

We didn't even bother to leave the living room this time. You pushed me down into the couch and straddled me, never once breaking this kiss.

I placed my hands on your hips, pulling you closer me.

You moved your kisses across my neck. I'm sure it'll leave a mark.

Our clothing was discarded before I even had the chance to think about what we were doing, again.

You sat back, ready for what I was willing to give.

You should know by now, I was willing to give you anything.

I positioned myself at your entrance, hands once again upon your hips.

I closed my eyes as I felt your hot breath by my ear.

"I never stopped loving you." you whispered.

And with that, I was in you. And I knew. I knew, this time…this time I would feel alive agian.

_And then you bring me home  
And we'll go to sleep but this time not alone, no No,  
And you'll kiss me in your living room, oh  
I know you miss me in your living room  
Cause these nights I think maybe that I miss you in my living room  
We don't have much room  
I said, does anybody need that room?  
Because we all need a little more room  
To live _

Things changed for Max and me after that night.

We eloped the next day.

Lye Nathan Ride was born a healthy baby boy ten months later.

In the next few years we would be the proud parents of another three avian-Americans.

The twins, Katheriane Hayley Ride (Kate) and Nathan Jarrod Ride (Nate) were born two years after Lye.

Then our baby girl, Payton Sammy Ride was born a year later.

Max quit her job, and got one filing medical records in the hospital her internship is for, only, that is, until she was offered a full time job on the nursing staff.

I got a job of my own, you'll never guess what. I'm a writer.

And this piece here, this is something special.

This is every emotion I tried to keep hidden. This is my confession.

This is for her.

This is for my Max.

_...My Konstantine_

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yeah okay. not sure if it sucks or not. I got a little more into the sex stuff than my other fic, but still nothign too bad...agian i have no experience in that area...but I get the gist of it...cough cough... 

Review please!


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